Thursday, July 7, 2016

Rewriting My Story

It is time to write again. As I look back on the time I spend thinking about what I would write vs. actually writing it, I really could have had a few thousand pages written by now. Mainly journals that might transform into an actual story that someone could piece together at some point later in life. Sort of like the Clint Eastwood movie, Bridges Over Madison County, *LOVE* the movie and Clint Eastwood.. Anyways.. gosh my mind gets moving and it is time to spill it out. Here. Like this. 

I will start with my most recent journey. I will call it.. let's see.. (bear with me as I think out loud) Replenish-Replace-Repeat (too formal)
Journey.. (too yesterday's news)
Rewriting My Story (thank you MJ) 

Rewriting My Story
When I think of this phrase, the immediate things that come to mind are the things in my life I want to change because of whatever reason. Rewriting my story means taking an opportunity to open myself up to becoming a new creature of habits. Good habits. Healthy habits. Fulfilling habits. Happy habits. 

Exactly. Pick me. Pick Me. 
If I am seeking new good habits, there must be something that I want to replace.. which would clearly be a bad habit. Working this angle is simple because it is easy for me to understand about myself but also challenging. Not only am I giving up something I have connected with for so long, I am inadvertently creating something brand new and special. Just for me.  Out with the old, in with the new. 
Let's start with food. I have for years said to myself, "I want to focus" on eating smaller portions, or less sugar, or no fast food, or only organic.. and I want to do this because...

As you can guess, each time I started with "I want to focus" I see something shiny and eat it. A lot of it. And, well, here goes my sob story. Blah.. blah.. blah.. I gained 10 lbs. Blah..blah..blah.. I have a headache and zero energy and please yes.. I would like another bowl of ice cream! Why on God's green earth do I do this to myself you ask? Because, it is food. I connect with food. Or the joy of cooking it. Ok, fine, eating it.

End of story. I changed the approach to all of the above and instead of looking at the food as some emotional connection or distraction to whatever I was avoiding, I started looking at the source of what I need the food for. And that is the light bulb moment. Fuel. Food is fuel. So, why would I not fuel my body the right way to make it function the way that it is supposed to. 

Which brings us back to that "most recent journey" I referenced a few paragraphs back. 
For the past 2 months I have made several adjustments to 1st, my thoughts and conversation that revolve around food, but also the premise behind it. I have slowly (because everyone knows in my house that when I empty the pantry of all "edible" food as my children so kindly refer to it as) replaced certain things in my own diet and for the record, I have not lost my mind. I have also gotten back in the saddle at the gym. Exercising and fuel make me a better wife, mom, and person all together. I have also increased my water intake and started juicing fresh fruit and vegetables. Each time I consume another jar of juice, decline the 2 plate, or pass on the ice cream, I get a little bit stronger. This may seem silly, but it is no longer about weight. It has always been about getting back in a size 8.. Don't get me wrong, I am not too far off, but the size 8 means nothing if I feel like crap, sleep like crap, and act like a big pile of crap. 

Wrapping this up, I am not sorry I am a talker. And I always like to paint the vivid picture with my words.. in my story.

1. Habit forming takes 21 days
2. Good habits replace bad habits and are created by me
3. Cupcakes are delicious

There is nothing left to be said here except, yay me! Rewriting my story one day at a time. Just for today. 


Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Beside The Blue

I literally giggle out loud every time I decide that I am going to start a new journal. It is almost as if I store my writings inside my head until the weight of them gets out of control and I have to export them to actual text. It is a data dump of sorts. Strangely, it excites me to share my thoughts with the public.

I will spare you the fine details of a 2 year update in my normal fashion of painting a distinct picture and summarize the highlights over time. I know that capturing the moments as they happen is the perfect time for story telling, however, I am here now and now is where I will begin.

LEO-Behind the Badge-Humanizing the Badge-Police Wife Life-Thin Blue Line....

Why do I feel compelled to talk about this first? All of these are my now and as far as I can see they are my future as well. 

It has been exactly 4 years today that we called Seguin our home. Making the trek down Hwy 90 with our children, our pets, and a u-haul packed with our treasured belongings. Even at this exact moment, I can remember pulling up in the driveway of the home we just purchased, meeting my father in law to transfer our children to him for the weekend so we could get settled. One of the amenities we acquired by moving 34 miles from San Antonio. Grandma and Papa :)

After the kids were on their way back to spend a fun-filled weekend with them, Josh and I entered our new home, and laid across a blown up air mattress in what would soon become our master bedroom...we laughed and looked at each other and quietly we go. Life as we knew it previously was gone. We were turning the page, starting a new chapter, creating new memories, and doing it all together.  

Moving to a new city was not something foreign to us. As you know, we have lived in quite a few places since being married and every 3 years or so, we still get what I refer to as the "gypsy itch".

The military life kindly gave us that gift. I love thinking about what new opportunities would create for the story of our lives in my mind. It is exciting to me to experience new things and to figure out like a mathematical equation what the reality of those changes would mean for me, for him, and for our children. 

The struggle opportunity is real. I am not a mundane, do it by the book kind of gal. I love change. If it isn't broken, let's break it and figure out how to make something new and exciting. If it is broken, all the better, because it is still an opportunity to make what was once junk, a treasure. 

If I had a dollar for every time I wanted to break a perfectly good thing and revise its contents I would be a literal billionaire. I know that this is a part of my strong character that makes this life of mine all worth it. Every single second of everything I have ever gone back and revised has taught me a lesson of some sort.  The most relevant lesson for this gaggle of thoughts would have to be flexibility. As organized as I like to believe I am in my carefully selected and named Pinterest boards, I love my flexible lifestyle.

It fits right into our home, family, spiritual, fun, and work lives. Everything about living the life of a police family screams out: YOU MUST BE FLEXIBLE! Who needs to have Christmas on December 25th anyways? I can bake snowman cookies in July if I want to.

If you are reading this and in some way have walked along the "thin blue line" you get me. If you haven't, please endure my comments and embrace them as comic relief.

It takes a special kind of person to be a police officer. Enough said about that. I can only give you a depiction of what I see from standing beside the badge and being a comfort behind it. My idiosyncrasies cry out change- change- change your job, your home, your position, your thoughts, your actions, your..your..your..but here is where I need to be flexible and understand that this career life is already about so much change and nothing is certain from the time that dinner will be served to when the next mandatory call out will happen. The comfort for him is knowing that no matter what changes happen outside on the streets, home is steady. Home is constant, home is forever, home is where he can bring his idiosyncrasies inside and let them fly free. We accept that. It is also a reflection of his strong character. The family unit is steadfast and strong. We go together. Always.

I do love to read and research different topics. It is enjoyable for me to see where other people who can relate to this stand. How do they do what I do every day and stay steady and strong? I have found myself sometimes at all hours of the night searching for the written diaries of the wives that stand beside the blue, who humanize the badges by promoting their hard working husbands that serve the streets and protect the people. I have also found that inside their personal stories brings comfort to me. It allows me to open my own heart and mind to the changes that I can make (which you know I love) that will give him the steady that he needs to start and end his day. Ninety-nine percent of the change might be something so small in my mind, but completely relevant to what he needs. This in turn, promotes a new reaction or action from him, which is what I need. It ends up being a win-win for both.

So, if he comes home at 5:00 a.m. and doesn't want to discuss his night, I know it is because he needs to unwind, re-fill his own energy, and just "be off" for at least the next 8 hours. When he wakes up for his next day, he is refreshed and we move on through our evening.. It is difficult for some to recognize the cues and embrace them as part of the new chapter(s) of standing beside the blue, however, for me... for us... We wouldn't have it any other way.

I am excited to open this new journal now that we are established here in our town for real. We are settling in to this chapter for sure and I look forward to sharing with whomever will hear me along the way.