Thursday, January 24, 2013

My Whole Heart

I was just getting ready to retire for the night and as I laid on the couch thinking about my day I had to share how grateful I am to have my family. We have been around the world and back. Life has not always been easy, so I won't bore you with the lovey dovey moments. :)Everyone knows that a couple that has been together as long as we have certainly have a lot of stories to tell and memories to share of the years gone by. What I think about today is where we are at this moment. Yesterday Josh and I rented the movie End of Watch. For my social media friends and the 2 regular visitors I have here, you know we are a part of the law enforcement family now. I have stayed pretty vague and generic when it comes to the life that we live because of this dynamic just because it is not a light load for anyone to carry. A very sweet friend once told me, it takes a special person to be married to a cop. This is true. Coming from a military background it does help, and in many many ways similar, however, not on the same level. Time has proven that even in the seemingly safest conditions, my Officer is never safe. He is prepared, he is trained, he has his brothers and sisters backing him up at a moment's notice.. but he is not safe. There is a lot that happens in this world that I never thought happened in this lifetime, outside of the movies, outside of the most crime ridden neighborhoods on the wrong side of the tracks. The battle of negative force vs. negative force is more apparent than ever and no man or woman should endure that kind of pain emotionally, physically, spiritually, or otherwise on a daily basis. Our cops do. They choose to put themselves in harms way to serve and protect and take their jobs very seriously. It is scary and hard to sleep on many nights when you know that your loved one..depicted in the movie end of watch perfectly...who wears the badge bleeds from the same human heart that this world's criminals do and being human is what makes them equal. I am saddened on many days by the destruction that a younger generation has been accustomed to..drugs, violence, sex, kids raising kids, and so on. It is disturbing and rather frightening that these people are everywhere. As a regular citizen, even coming from poverty as a child and facing some very hard challenges myself growing up, I wonder how these humans who bleed like me can be so destructive to themselves, their children, and the world around them. I pray. I pray that one day I can somehow make a difference in one person's life long enough for it to have a domino effect. Like Josh frequently says, he cannot save them all. Most of the hurt and crime driven minds are motivated by whomever is supporting their is all they know. But, if he can save one, maybe just maybe he can sleep at night knowing that he saved that one. I am not talking about literal life saving, I am talking about saving them from the next bad decision. Even for one night. What I am grateful for is that he comes home mentally after a 5 day set (all the other days in between are his working days saved for the sleep and eat routine and a couple hours of down time before he can relax) A police officer doesn't really rest. After 2 years I can say that part of the emotional change is lack of rest, lack of being able to ever let your guard down. It is getting much better and on a very positive note, Josh comes home, lays down his gear, and grabs these two beautiful children who wait patiently for daddy to hand out his daily hugs and kisses. He is involved and has learned what is important to them is his time and attention. Even if it means tackling daddy before he goes to sleep or cuddling with him 1st thing. What is important today to me again is just this. This family that I have and this life that we have created through laughter, tears, joy, a little fear, and all other things in between. We are not perfect and certainly still have a lifetime to learn. This is my safe place in a world of what seems complete mayhem at times and I am blessed to have these 3 to share it with and so thankful for one more day.

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